So I meet this woman online, we chat a bit,and agree to meet at the Octoberfest Street Fair held in McKinney, about a dozen miles up the road from here. This is our first time meeting in person, and as soon as I see her I immediately know that this relationship is not going anywhere. When it comes to women’s looks, I am as deep as a rain puddle. I know they say that beauty is only skin deep, but skin deep is all I really care about. It is not as if I am going to vivisect any of my dates.
So while I know immediately there will be no second date, I figure, “fuck it, I have nothing else to do today” so I walk around the Octoberfest Street Fair with her. I am an asshole, but not so much of an asshole that I am going to immediately ditch a date because she isn’t pretty. We grab a beer* and chat a bit. Pleasant enough personality, no sense of humor, but smart and can carry on a conversation. Not so bad so far. However, as we are halfway through our second beer, it becomes very obvious that she cannot hold her liquor. Speech becomes ever so slightly slurred, the non-existent sense of humor shows signs of life but the laughter is at wholly inappropriate times, and she gets a bit huggy and touchy and feely. I am not a guy who believes his personal space is sacred, so I am not pushing her away, but I am extricating myself from her clutches as quickly as I can, and I am not reciprocating in any way.
McKinney Octoberfest Accordion Orchestra**, and she begins talking to some guy who is also watching the dancers. I try to make my escape, but she has a firm hold of my shirt tail, so I begin talking to the guy as well. We get along famously. It turns out he has family in New Jersey, and has hit some of the same haunts I have, and as everyone from New Jersey knows, we love nothing more than talking about stuff from Jersey, because, you know, JERSEY!
Being a clever fellow, I arranged an ‘out’ for myself should this date not be a keeper. My sister and my oldest niece were coming to the Street Fair a few hours after I got there, so I could beg out of the date to ‘spend time with my family.’ My sister texts me to say she has arrived, I explain that I need to go, say good bye to my date, leave her with this Random Guy who has Family in New Jersey, and go find my sister and my niece.
Anybody out there ever try to feed a finicky 11 year old girl at an Octoberfest Street Fair? Everything is “gross” or “yucky” or “ugh” or “no way am I eating THAT!” My sister gives me an exasperated look and says let’s leave and get some Chinese food. Fine with me, I have no need to hang around anymore.
We are heading across the town square to leave when I spy my date. She has her back to me and is still talking to Random Guy who has Family in New Jersey so she does not see me. I am inches from a clean getaway when Random Guy who has Family in New Jersey sees my sister and says “Hey C, how’s it going?!?!?!” and gives her a hug. Turns out they are old friends, his kids go to school with my nieces, he plays basketball with my brother-in-law, the works. By this point, my date has spun around, seen me, steadied herself just a bit, and lunges for my arm. Random Guy who has Family in New Jersey says “Oh Wow, I had no idea that C is your sister! Cool!” While my sister and Random Guy who has Family in New Jersey catch up with each other, my date teeters unsteadily, clutching my arm for balance, while my niece looks at me like I have a giant ‘L’ (for LOSER) tattooed on my forehead.
I make some awkward introductions and my date, through her drunken haze, realizes that the only way I am staying is if my sister stays, so she throws her arms around my sister’s shoulders, and slurs, “come on, stay for a beer or two.” Remember when I said that I am not one of these people who considers their personal space sacred? That is a charater trait that my sister does not share. She smiles, but her teeth are clenched, as she says “No, we have to leave, and exactly who are you again?”
Now drunken desperation sets in. My date slurs to me “We are friends right? Right? Kiss me to show me you’re my friend.” I am a patient and understanding guy, but this is a bit too much even for me, especially in front of my niece. I say “not going to happen” and she storms off, listing slightly to starboard as she leaves.
I get an email from her a day later in which she upbraids me for ditching her. I respond with a greatly abbreviated retelling of the day, as she clearly does not remember any of this, and never hear from her again.
The Moral of the Story: It is not possible to feed an 11 year old girl at an Octoberfest Street Fair.
*The Beer: Franconia Brewing Company is a small brewery located in McKinney, Texas. Their Wheat Beer was a nice cloudy yellow-orange, with a fluffy white head, with some nice banana aroma and intense clove flavors, and a creamy texture. Better than the average American Wheat, and certainly one I would have again, 7.5/10.
The Franconia Octoberfest poured a dark copper with not much head. It had a slightly oily mouthfeel. This beer is a touch too sweet for me, but still drinkable. There is some toffee and spiciness, just not enough to balance the sweet malts. This is not my favorite style of beer, and this is not the best example of the style. It was not awful, just not nearly as good as the Wheat, 6/10.
**Not the actual name of the band