I have undertaken a detailed sociological study of profiles posted by women on internet dating websites for a project* I am working on. I present to all of you, free of charge, the following advice:
ONE: PROVIDE DETAILS – You cannot be all things to all men. Do not say that you like “all kinds of food” because I may cook you up some liver and onions or take you out for some for menudo on a Sunday, and damn straight you are going to be a member of the clean plate club. After all, you like all “all kinds of food.” Similarly, do you really like “all kinds of music”? Because unless your ipod has Gregorian Chants, Appalachian Fiddle Music, Britney Spears, and Norwegian Death Metal in the Top 25 Most Played Tracks, you do not like “all kinds of music.” Even with all of that, you still don’t like everything. Name some names. This is trivial stuff. Of course I won’t contact you if you list Billy Joel as a favorite, but that only means you have one less asshole to deal with, doesn’t it?
TWO: NO PHOTOS OF YOUR KIDS – If your kid is a Marine, just back from Afghanistan, and he is standing next to you in his dress uniform, and you look exceptionally fine in the photo, it might be ok to have your child in a photo that you have posted on an internet dating site, and even that scenario is pushing it somewhat. Young kids, no matter how adorable you think they are (and here is a hot tip: no one else thinks they are as cute as you do) should be verboten. Any guy who is looking at your profile is a guy who sooner or later, and probably sooner rather than later, would like to get your clothes off and make the beast with two backs with you. I am not saying that is all they want. Some of us want love and friendship and a deep connection and sharing trips to the candle store at the mall and whatnot, but the beast with two backs is making an appearance at some point. None of us wants to see your kid. Any guy who does want to see your kid is fucked up beyond words. Either way, keep your kid out of the photos.
THREE: NO SELF PORTRAITS – While we are on the subject of photos, stop with the cell phone pics you take of yourself by holding the phone out at arm’s length (many of these photos appear to get taken while you are driving; what is wrong with you people?) or worse yet, shooting your reflection in the bathroom mirror. These never come out well. Tell a friend that you have signed up with a dating site, let them have a laugh at your expense, tell them you need a photo, hand them your Iphone, and let them snap a few. If you don’t have any friends who can take a photo of you, try getting some before you try to get yourself a boyfriend. And whatever you do, stop with the “sexy pouty look”. Very few women can pull this off successfully. Marilyn Monroe could do it. After her, I am coming up blank. It does not make you look sexy. It makes you look like a brook trout rising for a fly. Just smile. That really does work.
FOUR: IMPROPER USE OF ‘LOL’ – Following up obviously true statements with LOL to give you the “I am just kidding!” out is not fooling anyone. (For those of you who do not have the texting habits of 16 year old girls, LOL means “Laugh Out Loud.”) I operate under the assumption that any statement that is LOLed is the truest statement in the profile. So if you write I am looking for good sex LOL I know you are truly looking for good sex. There is nothing wrong with that, and any guy who would hold that against you is either an asshole and/or a fundamentalist closet case and/or a misygonistic douchebag. Similarly the statement On a typical Friday Night, I put on my old wedding dress, pop in the wedding video he left behind, drink a box of merlot and lay on the floor crying WHY! WHY! WHY! just like Nancy Kerrigan before I pass out from the alcohol and grief LOL is someone who needs a BatPhone connection to the Suicide Hotline.
FIVE: Avoid being the Jack of All Trades – These are actual statements from randomly chosen profiles:
*I have a large circle of friends and love to go out on the town – but being at home with someone special can’t be beat!
*I have a wide array of interests and find there is not enough time to do them all!
*I am laid back and like to try new things! I like to be outdoors when the weather is nice!
*I can go from jeans to heels and sequins, without it taking hours like some.
In addition to the narcolepsy induced by these profiles (and! the! use! of! unwarranted! exclamation! points!) the biggest sin is that these statements say nothing. Stay in or go out…lots of interests…laid back…nice weather…quickly going from jeans to heels…these profiles have no personality. What do you like to do when you go out? What are your interests? Do you hike or bike in the nice weather? If you give details, you will scare some guys away. Some guys are not going to want to go square dancing when you go out, have no interest in your collection of depression era glass that you search flea markets for, nor are they going to go hiking with you. That is fine because you do not want those guys. You want to find the guy who wants to do that stuff with you.
SIX: ADVISING THAT YOU LIKE TO LAUGH – Really? Who doesn’t like to laugh? You might as well tell me that you like to take a hot dump once a day.
BEER: Southern Star Buried Hatchet Stout – Pouring a nice deep brown with a cappuccino head, this stout has some very nice cocoa upfront in the nose, a tasty malted milk flavor and a mild Coca-Cola aftertaste. There is a mild boozy burn from the 8.5% ABV. Another excellent beer from Southern Star, 8/10.
*The project is called Operation: Getting Mr. Tilting Suds Laid. Anyone interested in contributing to this project should feel free to contact me.