Shite and Onions: Stella Artois

Stella Artois is a crappy French Belgian beer* that is marketed to Americans as a sophisticated and upscale brew. Make no mistake here, this stuff sucks ass. It has a soapy and metallic flavor that is slightly sweet and yet also somehow bland. It pours a clear piss-yellow with a fizzy head that disappears quickly, and this beer so lacking in flavor that I would not even use it for cooking purposes, just a total waste of water, barley, hops and yeast. The sad thing is that I see so many people drinking it and you just know they think they are the height of sophistication with this swill in their hand, probably in the mistaken belief that it is brewed by robed monks, who chant Te Deums, in a monastery that looks like the set of The Name of the Rose.

Why would anyone drink this shit?

*Stella Artois is brewed in Belgium, not France as I originally wrote. And as Bladdamasta of the awesome Australian beer blog Back of the Ferry notes in the comments, it is brewed by Fosters under contract in Australia, so the stuff available in the USA might well be brewed in Downtown Fucking Passaic for all I know or care.

It still sucks.

10 Responses to Shite and Onions: Stella Artois

  1. Green-Eyed Brat says:

    Easy. They don’t know better.

    Question: You’re at an establishment that has bud, bud light, coors light, mgd and Stella….what do you drink?

  2. bladdamasta says:

    It is also brewed by Fosters here in Oz without any discernible difference in price. Have you seen the ad with a chalice? Tres pretentious.

    • seanrude says:

      Yeah, that Chalice ad is over the top. I wonder if it is brewed under contract here in the US as well.

      • I love that New Castle (Brown) has started an ad campaign that says, “Who Uses the Word Chalice?”

        I remember when this beer hit a bar that I go to (because some friends own it and other friends hang out there, not because of the beer selection) and they were all proud as punch. They acted (as has been stated here) like they reached some new mecca of sophistication in their offerings. When asked what I thought I simply replied, “Stella? Really? Call me when you get Delirium on tap.”

  3. Hag says:

    I like Stella.

  4. samthegas says:

    Stella used to be an iconic “lager” here in the UK, it remains the best selling beer in terms of “off -sales” ie, beer bought in shops for home consumption.
    It is still has the nickname of “wifebeater” as it has been 5.2% abv up until a few years ago. Since being swallowed up by Anheuser Busch it has been watered down twice over here to 4.8% abv much to my annoyance
    I dont bother with it anymore and certainly would not touch it if I were out in a pub.

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