Shite and Onions: Miller Lite

I am not one of those guys who thinks the American Male is under attack these days. I am perfectly comfortable opening doors for women, being in touch with my feminine side, being manly yet metrosexual, playing with my inner child, all that crap, and if that is not appreciated, I can deal with it. All in all, we have a sweet deal here, and any guy who does not think so either has a lousy personal situation or is deluded.

Only the Manliest of Manly Men can withstand the brute force that is Miller Fucking Lite

The one area where we are under attack is in beer commercials, and the most egregious offfender in this regard is Miller Lite. Miller Lite is held up as the exemplar of American Maleness, the beer that the wusses will graduate to once they stop wearing skinny jeans, the beer that if you order it will get the attention of the smoking hot bartender, the beer you knock back after a tough six innings of slow pitch softball, the beer that all the young dudes are drinking, and all I can ask is has anyone actually tried any of this piss water?

No flavor whatsoever, despite the claim that it is TRIPLE HOPPED!!! (Pro-Tip: Most, if not all, beers are triple hopped), no color, no aroma. Nothing to this beer, other than carbonation.

Actually, that is unduly harsh. They do have the vortex bottles, the punch top on their cans, and I am sure I am missing some other gimmicky bullshit that impresses the rubes, but ask yourself: If the beer was any good at all, would they need any of that crap? Have you ever seen a decent beer with a vortex bottle? And what exactly is the punch top supposed to do?

On the other hand, this commercial is brilliant:

8 Responses to Shite and Onions: Miller Lite

  1. bladdamasta says:

    Great post. Loved the comment about 6 innings of softball. Did they show that Miller Lite ad on mainstream US TV?

    • seanrude says:

      That ad was definitely shown on television. It may have been Miller Lite’s Super Bowl ad one year. The usual suspects (feminists and fundamentalists) got themselves into a tizzy over it.

  2. jpe says:

    Quite simple, that punch top is just a shotgunning device used to pour that crap down your face faster. Not a bad idea, really.

    • seanrude says:

      First of all, your gravatar is the bomb.

      Second, it sort of proves my point that you need to manipulate the can to pour it down your gullet faster. And while I am asking, what is the point of the vortex?

  3. I actually saw a ML commercial where they declared “triple hopped” while I had a Sierra Nevada in my hand. I laughed. Actually I laugh at just about everything the big boys do. From vortex bottles, to color changing cans (because you know, we’ve evolved into a species that’s unable to determine when our beer is cold on our own).

  4. Hag says:

    I’m with you here. What is the point with light beer anyway?

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